Bold.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:18-19

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I sat in a bathtub and listened to “By Our Love” by For King & Country and uncontrollably sobbed.

 

Loving people as Christ has is literally the hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I have had to suffer the consequences of it. I feel like a failure. I have let people down. In my intentions of loving others, I have hurt others. & that is an extremely hard pill to swallow.

 

I am an imperfect person who struggles deeply with doing the right thing.

 

I am not impulsive. I will wait and pray on what is right. I pray to God to reveal to me what is the right thing to do. Honestly, 100% of time what I feel is right is against what most people believe is. It is like being thrown into a pit of fire, surrounded by lions, encircled by traps set by my worst enemy.

 

Nothing I say will ever suffice. No one believes a word I say. Everyone grows a deep anger for me that turns into hatred. There is really nothing I can do about it once I have chosen to take the path I believe I have been called to take.

 

There is no turning back. It is painful and difficult, and as my friend Rachel calls it, it is freaking BOLD.

 

I am struggling with remembering that I do not need the approval of everyone on this earth. I am struggling with doing the unpopular (and hardest) thing. I am struggling with accepting the consequences that come with these actions.

 

The thing is though that even though I feel like I am alone in this pit of fire, surrounded by lions, encircled by traps set by my worst enemy, I am not. For God has gone before me.  The battle was never mine, but His. He will douse the fire. Feed the lions so they have no use for me. Disable the traps.  So I can walk out freely.

 

So I will continue to love the unloved in the most imperfect of ways, even if they are not able to understand it or not see it the way I do. I will love even when it is not accepted. I will let go of the hatred that is thrown my way. I will keep silent the nasty rebuttals I have been holding onto for so long.

 

I choose to boldly love even though it hurts.

 

-Kristin-

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