Band Aids.

Psalm 147:3-5 He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and names each one. Our Lord is great and very powerful. There is no limit to what he knows.

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There was a country song on the radio by Dierks Bentley called “Different for Girls”. It is catchy and kind of sad. It basically talks about how men and women tend to react differently when a break up occurs. It implies that men tend to go out more and try to forget/drown out any feelings that they are having while women tend to be more open with their brokenness and take longer to heal. One of the lyrics about women is “they don’t scroll through their phone just looking for a Band-Aid”. This one line has been stuck on my mind for days now and it finally hit me last night, and left me sobbing for about ten minutes.

I scroll through my phone looking for that Band-Aid every time my heart is broken.

I was not always this way. When things went south, I would often retreat for a while and be sad. Send regretful text messages, cry, and just be downright bummed for a while. Then after a few days or weeks, I would get over it. I would be single or end up meeting someone else and the cycle would begin all over again.

Now, somehow between what the Internet, my friends, my family, and strangers have said, I have come to this place of mind where I think I need to move on RIGHT AWAY. I mean like the next day, I am on to something else. Usually online dating or just going out to a bar or something, I mean anything to stop myself from feeling the pain.

I feel the need to write this very personal thing, because I see so many women out there doing the same thing as me right now. Continuing to put a fresh Band-Aid over a very broken heart without ever letting it breathe and feel the pain will do nothing but cause you more sorrow later on down the line. I tell you this, because this is what I am currently living with. For years, I have continued this Band-Aid cycle and it has never allowed me to heal.

I have become so numb to dating that I do not even get nervous for first dates anymore. We agree to meet up, we go usually have a drink and some dinner (with me eating wings or some kind of drippy meat in which I usually get it all over myself and do not even care) and then it ends and I go home EMPTY. There have only been a select few men who I ever really actually felt something for after these dates, and that is heartbreaking.

I have been searching for something to fill that hole in my heart that’s been covered up by Band-Aids for now. It’s taken me a long time to realize and admit that the only thing that can ever fill that hole, and bind up that gaping wound forever, is Jesus. I’ve been searching in the world for something that I could never find when all along Jesus has been sitting there waiting for me to realize that on my own.

I don’t want temporary healing anymore.

I don’t want numbness.

I don’t want frustration and short-lived happiness.

I would rather deal with the pain upfront and deal with the short-lived sadness then to push it aside and hope that it goes away on its own. We must allow our wounds to be open to the air and breathe a little for them to heal. Then Jesus can come in and bandage it properly, as only He can, in the right time.

I want true healing.

I want Jesus.

I refuse to settle for anything less.

-Kristin-

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